Carbon Monoxide Commentary- A Comedy Review
Most visitors to this blog will have seen my friend MedicChris' blog at nightruns.blogspot.com. If you haven't seen it, you should go check it out. This week he posted a story about a call involving a bunch of people with carbon monoxide (CO) poisoning. Chris and I had a side discussion about a call we ran together last year. That call did not go very well, but it wasn't because of anything that we did. That call turned into an unbelievable situation because of the actions of others, and there was a lot to be angry about. At the time, I had not been exposed to blogging, and to vent some literary frustration, I began writing short comedy pieces in the form of "press releases". The "press release" format was chosen in response to some silly (actual) press releases made about this same incident.
So, at this point, you should be aware of the following:
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed in the following commentary are for entertainment purposes only and are the sole opinion of the author. The opinons contained in this text are NOT the opinions of any fire department, anywhere, nor any other organization of any description. Names of actual people and places have either been changed or "masked", and many people quoted in this article are ficticious. Although the factual situation covered by this story is true, the personal responses, comments, and reactions are solely the creation of the author.
Now, that having been said, this thing is all full of coarse language and is a lot of fun. Like I said, the underlying facts are entirely true, and the commentary is for comedic punch. Enjoy!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
HEADLINE: BLS AMBULANCE INAUGURATES ANARCHY IN (COUNTY) FIRE AND RESCUE- Massive Waste of Valuable Resources in “Squirrely” Power Grab.
DATELINE: (WOODYLAND), Virginia. January 16, 2005. Basic Life Support (BLS) providers from the (OTHER LOCAL) Fire Department inaugurated anarchy in the County’s fire and rescue system today when they “jumped every imaginable chain of command and medical authority.” by using a medivac helicopter to transport a patient with no verifiable injuries, said Chief (JON) of the (OUR FD).
The BLS Unit’s usurpation of power began when fire department units were called to the 14300 block of (MAIN ROAD) for a report of a natural gas leak inside a laundromat. Fire department units evacuated the occupancy, and upon investigation, discovered that the store’s manager had stopped the leak. Upon leaving the store, several of the evacuated customers approached firefighters and indicated that they had been sickened by the smell in the laundromat. Once the firefighters realized that the occupants were not joking about the stench generated by the wet clothing of dozens of working-class (Woodyland) residents, an Advanced Life Support (ALS) ambulance was recalled to the scene to evaluate the patients.
One patient, an 18 month-old female, was determined to require hospitalization, and a further determination was made that the ALS unit would take her to (Nearby) Hospital. Firefighters were able to manage the other complaining evacuees from the store. As a safety measure, an additional BLS ambulance was dispatched to the call, and arrived within minutes.
Upon arrival, EMT-B Johnny Onthaspot and his driver Wendy Yagetalunchbrake-Aroundhere, both of the (OTHER) Fire Department(OFD) exited their unit. Onthaspot had previously determined that whatever patient was assigned to him would require immediate transport to a “barometric chamber” because of CO poisoning. The patient that was assigned to Onthaspot was a patient under the care of members of Engine 12 from (OUR) FD. Onthaspot immediately determined that the oxygen therapy being provided by the firefighter/EMT’s from the engine was insufficient, and was made more concerned when he confirmed his diagnosis of a “100 percent O2 sat”, which everyone admitted was a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning.
Even though carbon monoxide, a colorless, odorless and poisonous gas, was not related to the disturbance at the laundry in any way, Onthaspot plowed on, checking with nationally registered paramedic Capt. (MedicChris) and doctors at the hospital to be sure about his transport of the patient. After advising the hospital of his 100 percent oxygen saturation findings, Onthaspot was cleared to transport his patient to (Local/Nearby) Hospital. (MedicChris) said “The doctor said ‘bring him in BLS and we’ll take a look at him’, and I thought that-was-that.”
Edward Thomas O’Housen, a self-described “urban outdoorsman”, displaced from his residence by a nearby construction clearing, witnessed the entire incident while warming his hands on the grill exhaust from a nearby Latino roach coach. O’Housen said: “The 100 percent O2 saturation was not surprising, especially when one considers that the patient was receiving 15 liters per minute of O2 via non-rebreather” When asked about his expertise in the field of emergency medicine, O’Housen said: “Even a self-rehabbing homeless person displaced from their ‘homeless’ with no medical training or knowledge knows that a healthy person on 100 percent O2 will sat at 100. Anyway, my CO levels would have been higher than that guy’s from standing over the charcoal!” O’Housen was later the subject of an EMS call to which Engine 12 responded, his self-rehab having failed when he began drinking again to stop his seizures.
Members of Engine 12 eventually turned the adult patient over to Onthaspot, and returned to quarters. No sooner had Engine 12 arrived back in their firehouse, than Onthaspot called by radio for the dispatch of a helicopter and an additional medic unit to assist with their patient. A helicopter, a different ALS unit, and Chief (JON) were dispatched to assist with the landing of the helicopter.
“My initial reaction was ‘Oh Jesus, fuck this bullshit’ because I was half-way through taking a piss when they punched us out again” said Captain (DTXMATT12) of Engine 12. “That fuckwad from (OFD Ambulance) was bent on flying someone, anyone, before he got there. And it didn’t help that he kept saying ‘barometric chamber’ instead of ‘hyperbaric chamber’ either!” Captain (DTXMATT12) and his crew established a landing zone for the helicopter from the (Faraway Hospital). “I was like, ‘OK, let’s just put (the helicopter) down at the South (WOODYLAND) heliport and call bullshit before the chopper gets here’; but will anyone listen to a fire officer if fuckin’ ‘barometric’ therapy is in play? Nooooo!”
Within minutes, the helicopter and an ALS unit had arrived at the landing zone. Captain (DTXMATT12) reportedly told every medical provider that would listen that there was no carbon monoxide involved in the call, and that EMT Onthaspot had made a critical misdiagnosis. Matt Heswright, the ALS provider on the second ALS unit assessed Onthaspot’s patient. Heswright reportedly agreed with the Fire Captain’s assessment of the patient and was himself later treated for a shoulder injury that resulted from vigorous shrugging when questioned as to the necessity of the “fly out”.
The Nurse and Paramedic from the Helicopter, whose names were not immediately available, also found themselves shrugging. When asked about why they were taking the patient to their hospital despite a lack of injury or illness, the female Nurse shouted over the jet and rotor noise of the helicopter “Hey, if we haul our asses out of the hangar and start this bird up it costs $4000.00, and if we actually fly someplace and land, you can bet your ass we have to bill someone, anyone. Unlike this helicopter, $20 grand is not going to come from the sky”.
Chief (JON) and Captain (DTXMATT12) were incredulous after the departure of the Helicopter. “I don’t know whose dick (Onthaspot) sucked to get past all of the (procedural safeguards) to get a flyout from a fucking shitbox (BLS ambulance)”, said Chief (JON). “I don’t know man, but we have to figure out how this happened and make sure we get someone’s fuckin’ ass” said (DTXMATT12). The investigation into exactly how the flyout was approved is ongoing. Chief (JON) indicated that by directly requesting the helicopter after having been advised by his medical control to bring in the patient, Onthaspot violated both ALS and BLS protocols, county fire and rescue association procedure, county radio dispatching procedures, and (the helicopter group’s) suggested parameters for helicopter evacuation. Onthaspot may have also violated OFD procedures, but “I can’t speak to that. Who even knows if those goddamn knucklers even have procedures. I didn’t see a copy of ‘Monkeys fucking footballs’ lying around last time I was in their station.” (DTXMATT12) said.
The investigation into the rules violations continues. Meanwhile, “I guess that for now, it’s a free-for all” said Captain (MedicChris), the ALS provider who initially determined that the adult patient was uninjured. The patient, whose name was withheld, was released directly from the helicopter bay at (Faraway Hospital) immediately after completion of his billing paperwork.
So, at this point, you should be aware of the following:
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed in the following commentary are for entertainment purposes only and are the sole opinion of the author. The opinons contained in this text are NOT the opinions of any fire department, anywhere, nor any other organization of any description. Names of actual people and places have either been changed or "masked", and many people quoted in this article are ficticious. Although the factual situation covered by this story is true, the personal responses, comments, and reactions are solely the creation of the author.
Now, that having been said, this thing is all full of coarse language and is a lot of fun. Like I said, the underlying facts are entirely true, and the commentary is for comedic punch. Enjoy!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
HEADLINE: BLS AMBULANCE INAUGURATES ANARCHY IN (COUNTY) FIRE AND RESCUE- Massive Waste of Valuable Resources in “Squirrely” Power Grab.
DATELINE: (WOODYLAND), Virginia. January 16, 2005. Basic Life Support (BLS) providers from the (OTHER LOCAL) Fire Department inaugurated anarchy in the County’s fire and rescue system today when they “jumped every imaginable chain of command and medical authority.” by using a medivac helicopter to transport a patient with no verifiable injuries, said Chief (JON) of the (OUR FD).
The BLS Unit’s usurpation of power began when fire department units were called to the 14300 block of (MAIN ROAD) for a report of a natural gas leak inside a laundromat. Fire department units evacuated the occupancy, and upon investigation, discovered that the store’s manager had stopped the leak. Upon leaving the store, several of the evacuated customers approached firefighters and indicated that they had been sickened by the smell in the laundromat. Once the firefighters realized that the occupants were not joking about the stench generated by the wet clothing of dozens of working-class (Woodyland) residents, an Advanced Life Support (ALS) ambulance was recalled to the scene to evaluate the patients.
One patient, an 18 month-old female, was determined to require hospitalization, and a further determination was made that the ALS unit would take her to (Nearby) Hospital. Firefighters were able to manage the other complaining evacuees from the store. As a safety measure, an additional BLS ambulance was dispatched to the call, and arrived within minutes.
Upon arrival, EMT-B Johnny Onthaspot and his driver Wendy Yagetalunchbrake-Aroundhere, both of the (OTHER) Fire Department(OFD) exited their unit. Onthaspot had previously determined that whatever patient was assigned to him would require immediate transport to a “barometric chamber” because of CO poisoning. The patient that was assigned to Onthaspot was a patient under the care of members of Engine 12 from (OUR) FD. Onthaspot immediately determined that the oxygen therapy being provided by the firefighter/EMT’s from the engine was insufficient, and was made more concerned when he confirmed his diagnosis of a “100 percent O2 sat”, which everyone admitted was a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning.
Even though carbon monoxide, a colorless, odorless and poisonous gas, was not related to the disturbance at the laundry in any way, Onthaspot plowed on, checking with nationally registered paramedic Capt. (MedicChris) and doctors at the hospital to be sure about his transport of the patient. After advising the hospital of his 100 percent oxygen saturation findings, Onthaspot was cleared to transport his patient to (Local/Nearby) Hospital. (MedicChris) said “The doctor said ‘bring him in BLS and we’ll take a look at him’, and I thought that-was-that.”
Edward Thomas O’Housen, a self-described “urban outdoorsman”, displaced from his residence by a nearby construction clearing, witnessed the entire incident while warming his hands on the grill exhaust from a nearby Latino roach coach. O’Housen said: “The 100 percent O2 saturation was not surprising, especially when one considers that the patient was receiving 15 liters per minute of O2 via non-rebreather” When asked about his expertise in the field of emergency medicine, O’Housen said: “Even a self-rehabbing homeless person displaced from their ‘homeless’ with no medical training or knowledge knows that a healthy person on 100 percent O2 will sat at 100. Anyway, my CO levels would have been higher than that guy’s from standing over the charcoal!” O’Housen was later the subject of an EMS call to which Engine 12 responded, his self-rehab having failed when he began drinking again to stop his seizures.
Members of Engine 12 eventually turned the adult patient over to Onthaspot, and returned to quarters. No sooner had Engine 12 arrived back in their firehouse, than Onthaspot called by radio for the dispatch of a helicopter and an additional medic unit to assist with their patient. A helicopter, a different ALS unit, and Chief (JON) were dispatched to assist with the landing of the helicopter.
“My initial reaction was ‘Oh Jesus, fuck this bullshit’ because I was half-way through taking a piss when they punched us out again” said Captain (DTXMATT12) of Engine 12. “That fuckwad from (OFD Ambulance) was bent on flying someone, anyone, before he got there. And it didn’t help that he kept saying ‘barometric chamber’ instead of ‘hyperbaric chamber’ either!” Captain (DTXMATT12) and his crew established a landing zone for the helicopter from the (Faraway Hospital). “I was like, ‘OK, let’s just put (the helicopter) down at the South (WOODYLAND) heliport and call bullshit before the chopper gets here’; but will anyone listen to a fire officer if fuckin’ ‘barometric’ therapy is in play? Nooooo!”
Within minutes, the helicopter and an ALS unit had arrived at the landing zone. Captain (DTXMATT12) reportedly told every medical provider that would listen that there was no carbon monoxide involved in the call, and that EMT Onthaspot had made a critical misdiagnosis. Matt Heswright, the ALS provider on the second ALS unit assessed Onthaspot’s patient. Heswright reportedly agreed with the Fire Captain’s assessment of the patient and was himself later treated for a shoulder injury that resulted from vigorous shrugging when questioned as to the necessity of the “fly out”.
The Nurse and Paramedic from the Helicopter, whose names were not immediately available, also found themselves shrugging. When asked about why they were taking the patient to their hospital despite a lack of injury or illness, the female Nurse shouted over the jet and rotor noise of the helicopter “Hey, if we haul our asses out of the hangar and start this bird up it costs $4000.00, and if we actually fly someplace and land, you can bet your ass we have to bill someone, anyone. Unlike this helicopter, $20 grand is not going to come from the sky”.
Chief (JON) and Captain (DTXMATT12) were incredulous after the departure of the Helicopter. “I don’t know whose dick (Onthaspot) sucked to get past all of the (procedural safeguards) to get a flyout from a fucking shitbox (BLS ambulance)”, said Chief (JON). “I don’t know man, but we have to figure out how this happened and make sure we get someone’s fuckin’ ass” said (DTXMATT12). The investigation into exactly how the flyout was approved is ongoing. Chief (JON) indicated that by directly requesting the helicopter after having been advised by his medical control to bring in the patient, Onthaspot violated both ALS and BLS protocols, county fire and rescue association procedure, county radio dispatching procedures, and (the helicopter group’s) suggested parameters for helicopter evacuation. Onthaspot may have also violated OFD procedures, but “I can’t speak to that. Who even knows if those goddamn knucklers even have procedures. I didn’t see a copy of ‘Monkeys fucking footballs’ lying around last time I was in their station.” (DTXMATT12) said.
The investigation into the rules violations continues. Meanwhile, “I guess that for now, it’s a free-for all” said Captain (MedicChris), the ALS provider who initially determined that the adult patient was uninjured. The patient, whose name was withheld, was released directly from the helicopter bay at (Faraway Hospital) immediately after completion of his billing paperwork.
posted by DTXMATT12 at 8:14 AM
3 Comments:
Holy Shit, once again, you get my nomination for funniest man on the planet. I read that months ago, and I have tears in my eyes again. I will vouch for the fact that it actually happened, and pretty much just like that. I was pissed, and it was followed up on, even if JOTS still thinks he was right. I really think all of your press releases should go here, they are the funniest things I've ever read, and anyone who has ever SEEN a fire department or heard a siren will see the humor in them. I'll be linking right to it today. Chris
hahahaha nice
OMG ROFLMAO HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA ... of for new underwear I think I shat myself a little bit.
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